Why We Self-Sabotage: The Psychology Behind Holding Ourselves Back
Why We Self-Sabotage: The
Psychology Behind Holding Ourselves Back
By Beza Michael
Have
you ever set out with great enthusiasm to start something meaningful perhaps a
new job, a relationship, or a health journey only to find yourself mysteriously
derailing your own efforts? Maybe you procrastinated on an important project
until the last minute, or you picked a fight with someone close just when
things were going well. These behaviors might seem confusing or frustrating,
especially when you deeply want to succeed. What you're experiencing is a
psychological phenomenon known as self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage
is not a rare occurrence. It is something most people face at some point in
their lives, though the intensity and frequency may vary. At its core,
self-sabotage is any action or inaction that gets in the way of our intentions,
dreams, and goals. It manifests in behaviors that seem to contradict what we
truly want. What makes this so perplexing is that the root of self-sabotage is
not always conscious. Often, it's the result of deeply rooted beliefs,
unresolved emotions, or survival patterns developed in childhood.
To
understand why we self-sabotage, we must explore the psychological forces that
drive it. These include fear, low self-worth, cognitive dissonance, attachment
patterns, and emotional regulation. Through uncovering these internal dynamics,
we can begin to identify our self-defeating patterns and learn how to transform
them.
One
of the primary drivers of self-sabotage is fear. While it’s natural to
think of fear as related to danger, psychological fear is more subtle and can
emerge even when we are pursuing something positive. For instance, fear of
failure can make us avoid trying, while fear of success can lead us to sabotage
progress. Success often brings change, and with it, uncertainty. For someone
who grew up with instability or criticism, success might subconsciously feel
unsafe. Achieving more might challenge their sense of identity or threaten
relationships with those who are not growing in the same direction. So instead
of embracing success, they pull back, retreating to what feels familiar even if
that familiarity is dissatisfaction or stagnation.
Low
self-esteem is another powerful influence behind self-sabotage. When a person
does not believe they are worthy of love, success, or happiness, they may
unconsciously act in ways that confirm that belief. A student who doubts their
intelligence might “forget” to submit an assignment. A person in a healthy
relationship might find themselves nitpicking or withdrawing emotionally. These
acts validate their internal narrative: “I’m not good enough” or “I always mess
things up.” The mind often seeks consistency between our internal beliefs and
our external reality. When there's a mismatch, we may unconsciously try to
restore that consistency, even if it means choosing pain over progress.
This
leads us to the concept of cognitive dissonance, the mental discomfort
we feel when our beliefs and behaviors are in conflict. For example, someone
who believes they’re lazy might struggle to maintain a consistent exercise
routine, not because they lack motivation, but because being active contradicts
their core belief. As irrational as it may seem, the subconscious mind may try
to bring behavior back in line with belief by undermining the new, positive
habit. That’s why self-sabotage often looks like quitting just when things are
going well. The closer we get to a reality that doesn't match our
self-perception, the more our inner resistance flares up.
Our
early life experiences also lay the foundation for many of our self-sabotaging
behaviors. Childhood is where we develop attachment styles, which influence how
we relate to ourselves and others. If we experienced conditional love,
rejection, or emotional neglect, we may carry forward a belief that intimacy or
success will lead to abandonment. These subconscious fears can cause us to push
others away or avoid situations where we might feel exposed or judged. The
brain is wired for survival, and if we learned early on that being too visible
or too successful led to negative consequences, we will try to avoid those
outcomes even if they no longer apply.
Another
contributor to self-sabotage is poor emotional regulation. Many of us were
never taught how to cope with complex emotions like shame, anger, or
disappointment. When these feelings arise, they can overwhelm us and cause us
to act impulsively. Emotional dysregulation can lead to compulsive behaviors,
avoidance, or shutting down any of which can interfere with long-term goals.
For example, someone trying to build a business might feel intense anxiety
before an important presentation. Instead of addressing the anxiety, they
cancel the meeting or deliver a subpar performance. Over time, this pattern
reinforces their fear and erodes their confidence.
It’s
also important to recognize that self-sabotage can sometimes serve a protective
function. It gives us a sense of control. If we believe failure is inevitable,
sabotaging our efforts allows us to be the one who decides when and how things
fall apart. It may not be logical, but it can feel safer than the vulnerability
of hoping for success and being disappointed. This is especially true for
individuals with histories of trauma or abandonment, where loss and
disappointment were constant companions. By taking matters into their own
hands even in a destructive way they maintain a sense of power in a chaotic
world.
The
role of internalized criticism is another vital element to consider. Many
people carry an inner critic an internal voice that mimics the judgmental or
dismissive voices they heard growing up. This inner critic constantly points
out flaws, questions abilities, and predicts failure. The more we listen to it,
the more we internalize its message and act accordingly. Over time, the critic
becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It whispers that we don’t deserve love, and
we sabotage relationships. It insists we will never succeed, and we quit too
soon. Until we learn to recognize and challenge this inner voice, it will
continue to shape our actions from behind the scenes.
In
addition, societal and cultural factors play a role in reinforcing
self-sabotage. In cultures that place high value on perfectionism or obedience,
people may learn to suppress their desires, avoid risks, or feel shame around
failure. They might hold back their talents for fear of standing out or being
judged. Women in particular are often socialized to prioritize others’ needs
over their own, making it harder to advocate for themselves or claim their
space. These external pressures can become internalized, leading to patterns of
self-abandonment and silence.
Despite
how pervasive and ingrained self-sabotage can be, it is not a life sentence.
Awareness is the first step toward transformation. By becoming conscious of our
patterns, we begin to interrupt them. Therapy, journaling, and mindfulness are
all powerful tools for uncovering the roots of self-sabotage. Working with a
counselor or therapist can help reveal the unconscious beliefs driving our
behavior. Through reflective practices, we can start to question those beliefs
and rewrite our internal narratives.
Another
key aspect of healing self-sabotage is developing self-compassion. Many of us
judge ourselves harshly when we make mistakes or fall short. But shame only
deepens the cycle. Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our imperfections
without spiraling into self-hatred. It encourages us to view setbacks as part
of growth, rather than proof of failure. When we treat ourselves with kindness,
we create space for new behavior to emerge.
Setting
realistic goals and breaking them into manageable steps is also essential.
Grand, ambitious plans often trigger anxiety and resistance. But when we focus
on small, consistent actions, we bypass the overwhelm and begin to build trust
in ourselves. Celebrating progress even if it’s minor reinforces our belief
that change is possible. Over time, these small wins accumulate, reshaping our
self-image and quieting the inner critic.
Cultivating
a support system can also buffer against self-sabotage. When we surround
ourselves with people who believe in us, they help challenge our distorted
thinking. Honest feedback and encouragement from trusted friends or mentors can
remind us of our strengths when we forget them. Community creates
accountability and counters the isolation that often feeds self-destructive
patterns.
Lastly,
it’s helpful to remember that growth is not linear. Relapses and setbacks are
part of the process. The goal is not perfection, but progress. When we view our
behaviors through a lens of curiosity rather than judgment, we become more
empowered to change them. Self-sabotage may have been a strategy for survival
in the past, but we are not bound to it forever.
In
conclusion, self-sabotage is a complex and deeply human behavior rooted in
fear, low self-worth, emotional wounds, and learned patterns. Though it may
seem irrational on the surface, it often arises from our most vulnerable
places the parts of us that want to be safe, loved, and in control. By bringing
awareness to these internal dynamics and gently confronting the beliefs that no
longer serve us, we can begin to free ourselves from their grip. With patience,
self-awareness, and support, we can move from self-sabotage to self-trust and
from self-doubt to self-empowerment.
Beza
Michael
Counseling Psychologist and Mental Health Advocate
Addis Ababa, Ethiopia
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